One of the biggest myths we need to de-bunk — especially when it comes to domestic abuse — is the idea that the abuser “just snapped.” That he “lost control.” That he “was pushed too far.”

Let’s be clear:

He didn’t lose control.

He was always in control.

And that’s exactly what makes it so dangerous.

It’s time to challenge these outdated norms and step into a version of beauty that is inclusive, empowering, and real.

This Isn’t About Anger. It’s About Power.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that abuse comes from a place of emotional instability — a bad day, a traumatic childhood, maybe too much alcohol. And while those factors might shape a person’s emotional makeup, they don’t cause abuse.

As renowned criminologist Dr. Jane Monckton Smith puts it:

“Abusers don’t lose control — they exert control. Abuse is not about a loss of temper; it’s a calculated strategy to dominate, isolate, and ultimately break down the other person.”

Dr. Monckton Smith’s research into the eight-stage homicide timeline has helped professionals around the world recognise how coercive control escalates — often slowly, quietly, and strategically. It’s not a crime of passion. It’s a pattern of power.

Let’s Look at the Pattern

He doesn’t scream at his boss.

He doesn’t throw things in front of the police.

He doesn’t “black out” in the boardroom.

But behind closed doors? That same man will destroy a phone, threaten a child, monitor every text, and then cry, blame his upbringing, or insist “it’s only because I love you so much.”

Victims often spend months — sometimes years — trying to analyse their abuser’s past.

Maybe it’s his childhood. Maybe it’s trauma. Maybe he doesn’t know any better.

They become therapists, detectives, and emotional bodyguards.

But here’s the hard truth:

Understanding his pain won’t stop your own.

This pressure creates a toxic cycle of comparison, self-criticism, and shame.

Real Stories. Real Control.

Think of the high-profile case of Gabby Petito in the US.

Her fiancé, Brian Laundrie, appeared calm, collected — even charming — during a police stop, despite clear signs of coercive control. The world later learned the tragic outcome of that “not that serious” situation. It was never about losing his temper. It was about holding power — until the very end.

Or consider the thousands of survivors who report being controlled in subtle but chilling ways:

Having their location tracked

Being told what to wear

Having friendships slowly eroded

Being “punished” with silence for saying the wrong thing

None of these require shouting. But all of them require control.

Why This Myth Hurts Survivors

When we say “he lost control,” we shift the blame to the situation — or worse, to the survivor.

We justify the abuse with phrases like:

“Well, you know how he gets when he’s stressed.”

“You were pushing his buttons.”

Let’s stop.

It’s not your job to soothe him, fix him, or explain away the violence. His choices are his. The more we understand that abuse is intentional, not accidental, the easier it becomes to stop excusing it — and start protecting ourselves.

The Truth? You Were Never Too Much. He Was Just Too Committed to Control.

If you’re reading this and questioning whether what you experienced was abuse — you’re not alone. Many survivors minimise or rationalise what happened to them, especially when there were no bruises or broken bones. But coercive control is just as serious — and often more dangerous — because it hides in plain sight.

So here’s your reminder:

He didn’t lose control. He made a choice. Repeatedly.

And now, you get to make yours.