My socials are flooded with discussion around Louis Theroux’s interview and his exploration of the manosphere.

The outrage, disgust, and anger from both women and men are hardly surprising.

I watched it quickly. I’m a long-time fan of Louis Theroux, not just for what he covers, but how he does it. Calm, composed, respectful, while quietly challenging the very ideology being presented.

And in many ways, he demonstrated something important:

A version of masculinity that doesn’t need dominance to hold authority

What unsettled me most

• Yes — the misogyny was there.
• Yes — the rhetoric was familiar.
• Yes — we’ve seen it all before online.

But what caught my attention wasn’t just the programme. It was the reaction afterwards.

“Well, clearly these men have trauma…”

Ah man. Seriously? I saw this comment repeatedly.

“They’ve been hurt.”

“This comes from trauma.”

“It explains why they behave this way.”

And on the surface, it sounds compassionate.

But it’s also where we need to pause. Because explanation is not the same as accountability. Trauma does not remove responsibility. There is a persistent narrative that harmful behaviour must always be traced back to trauma. But research tells us something more nuanced.

Studies on the “cycle of violence” show that while experiencing abuse in childhood can increase risk, most individuals do not go on to become perpetrators themselves.

For example, Cathy Widom’s longitudinal research found that abused or neglected children were at higher risk of later offending, but most did not become violent offenders (Widom, 1989; Widom & Maxfield, 2001).

So, in other words, history influences behaviour, but it does not determine it. At some point, there is still a decision. A line. A choice. The danger of over-explaining. When we focus too heavily on why someone behaves this way, something subtle happens.

We move from:

“This behaviour is harmful”

to:

“This behaviour makes sense”

And slowly, the responsibility shifts. Not always consciously. But enough to create doubt.

“He’s not bad… he’s just been through a lot.”

We see this time and time again. And the question is, who does that protect? Because it’s rarely the person on the receiving end. What the documentary really highlights is that this isn’t just about a group of men online. It’s about:

• influence
• identity
• and the environments shaping young boys and men

What I learned from this docuseries:

1. Boys need better models of masculinity

If young men are learning about relationships from these spaces, we have a problem.

With the long-term decline in organised religion and traditional community structures across Western societies, many boys are now turning to the internet for identity and guidance (Putnam, Bowling Alone, 2000).

And the internet is not neutral. If positive role models are not present, they will find alternatives, and those alternatives are not always healthy.

I often discuss with clients the need to help their children find a positive male role model for their children when the father is largely absent or abusive. It can be a teacher. a coach, a family member, a man who models respect, accountability, and emotional stability (yes, they do exist!) Because boys are watching. Some great male role models I follow on socials are Justin Baldoni, Dr Alex George, and Dr Gabor Mate.

2. Women need independence. Not permission

One of the most concerning threads in this space is the positioning of women.

As secondary, supportive, or in-service. And this is where clarity matters. Women do not need to earn their place in the world.

And from a practical standpoint, financial independence is protection!

Research consistently shows that financial dependency is a key barrier preventing women from leaving abusive relationships (Postmus et al., 2012; OECD reports on economic abuse). This isn’t about ideology. It’s about risk. When a woman cannot support herself:

• her options shrink
• her vulnerability increases
• And that is where control thrives.

3. The role of social media

This is the part I find hardest. My daughter is only 7 and already asking for a phone, an iPad, and access. And the reality is:

We are raising children in an environment we cannot fully control

Research shows that many children are exposed to pornography at increasingly young ages, with some studies suggesting first exposure can occur around 8–11 years old (BBFC, 2020; NSPCC reports).

This shapes:

• expectations
• behaviour
• understanding of relationships

Long before they have the maturity to process it. And we cannot ignore that. A grounded truth. Not all men think this way. Not all content in this space is harmful. But some of it is. And when it is, it follows a pattern:

• It creates doubt
• It shifts responsibility
• It reframes control as strength

This isn’t just about the manosphere. It’s about how easily we excuse harmful behaviour, overanalyse the perpetrator, and under-support the person experiencing it.

We can understand behaviour without removing accountability. And we need to hold both.